Searching.

DSCN0127 (2)If January has taught me anything, it’s that I am searching for something.

I suppose we all are.

The more I struggle to find the words on my heart, I know I am still searching for my voice. I am still searching for the courage to say how I feel and know that my feelings are valid. And the more I replay situations in my head, the more I know I am still looking for the power to forgive.

Not because others deserve forgiveness, but because I deserve peace. Or at least, that’s what I repeat to myself in the shower. Right when my thoughts get the best of me.

So, before this year completely passes me by – hello mid-February – it’s about time I think about my goals.

Truth is, they’ve been on my mind since November when I received a newsletter from Amanda Abella, a personal finance and business blog, about the importance of starting early. She said those that start early are ahead of the game.

It made sense, but as you can see, I am hard-headed.

At the time, I was sitting in my apartment’s conference room in those big chairs that makes you feel like you’re the boss. I began listing my goals on an old legal pad like I’ve done each year since 2012. But they sound almost identical to last year’s goals.

That’s why this year, I have decided to channel my goals into one word: Explore.

While I am always down for exploring new and unchartered territories as far as locations go, for me this is more of an internal search.

Those unchartered territories are the thoughts that make me clam up when I sit down to write. They are the statements that makes me retreat to just settling for what I’ve always done because “I am not a planner” or “I am not crafty,” for example.  It is  the reasoning behind the nagging thought that others’ opinions of me hold more weight than that of my own.

It wasn’t something I ever said. It was shown in my actions and I now see that.

I am hoping by exploring these new areas and thoughts, it will help me retrain the way I think about myself and what I am capable of. That’s the plan anyway.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

If you had to channel your goals into one word this year, what would it be and why?

  • I love this picture you look so introspective! This post really makes me smile. I remember when we were just pen pals, some of the things that you said you wanted for yourself. And now to see you not only go after them, but be open to exploring whatever path those things lead you to is really special. I love how this blog has helped you find the words. As far as me channeling my goals into one word, I think it would have to be work. Because faith without works is dead. I need to have a #BeingMaryJane moment and put that on a stickie everywhere.

    • This comment made me smile! Sheesh. I remember when we were pen pals. Girl, a lot has changed since those days and it feels good to know how much we have both accomplished. I don’t think about it often so thanks for reminding me. Also, I love that “faith without work is dead.” I love #BeingMaryJane for just that. After seeing last night’s episode, I am thinking about having one of those moments too. 🙂