Exactly a week ago, I gladly walked an hour both ways to the nearby post office. I packed a drawstring back pack with toiletries and goodies for a care package to send to my friend who is in the Navy. I grabbed the stack of incorrectly addressed mail from the mailbox. And I sealed five handwritten thank you letters to my former editors and supervisor.
Aside from the exercise, I took the trip because it was time to decide to put myself first in the workforce. When I began writing for this organization, I was simply happy to be getting paid to do what I loved. Up until that point, I had briefly worked as a server at a crepe shop and worked at a library, which I loved. I also did some freelance work for local publications, but not nearly as much as I knew I would do for this company.
There were so many times when I did assignments I really didn’t want to do just to be a team player. I remember when I moved back to Delaware, how awful I felt when I had to turn down assignments because of my commuter situation. It was hard.
Even long before that meeting, I was extremely unhappy. I was barely working. Now that I look back at it, it’s actually a bit ridiculous that I was willingly going into the office one day a week. It was a complete waste of time, but I think that was my way of holding on to that partnership if that makes sense. By complying, I didn’t have to make the hard decision and it seemed easier that way.
Anyway, last week, I thought long and hard about what I wanted to say on the cards besides “Thank You.” I wanted it to be sincere and personal, but every time I thought about the daunting task, I froze. The truth is, I just didn’t want to do it. Writing those letters meant that I was once again unemployed and I didn’t want to admit that. If I just pretended long enough that it was really still a break, then I didn’t have to face the overwhelming feeling of failure and lack of success.
As hard as it was, I finally did it after speaking with that same friend who I sent the care package. We don’t talk often, but when we do, it’s the best thing in the world. He is wise beyond his years and I swear I wish I had my notebook with me when we were talking because he was dropping gems of wisdom something crazy. He spoke to everything I was feeling and I hadn’t even told him what I was going through yet.
I forget what we were talking about, but I think it had something to do with his friends and their relationships. He said something to the effect of “you gotta move on from who you were in order to become who you want to be.”
A light bulb went off. My not-yet-25-year-old friend was so right. Sometimes packing up your things, ill feelings and former self can actually benefit you by helping you become the person you already know you can be.
So I am moving on and looking forward to the future.
