For the past couple of months, something has been weighing on me heavy. It’s all that I think about sometimes and the honest truth is, I am getting really tired of it. I am not ready to go into details now about all the specifics just yet, which I know seems stupid to even bring it up, but it’s my process so bare with me.
I will say this, after weeks of reflection, I have learned that it’s not the actual issue at hand that has been stressing me out. I am stressed because I am a pushy control freak and I like to have things my way. If it’s not, I don’t even want to deal and I know it’s a problem. I’ve always known that, but especially now because it’s creeping into areas in my life that should be handled with more care.
Last week, I received an email from someone involved in the issue and I was reminded of my ways. “Yaszy you push. You push and you push and you push…” Is it me or is that a whole lot of pushing to use it four times in less than two sentences?
As much as I wanted to disagree with that line, I really couldn’t. I knew it was true then as much as I know it’s true now after just receiving a text that reads “…same old Yaszy, relentless,” from a different person. Yup, I will take that one too.
I do push. I have always pushed.
In the past, I pushed people away because I was scared of getting my feelings hurt. I didn’t want to be vulnerable around others. I wanted to be viewed as strong and anything else, was unacceptable, but I have been working on that.
Now, I’d like to think that I am pushing in the opposite direction. A good way, if that makes sense.
I am pushing because I am learning that accountability holds us to a standard and forces us to rise to the occasion. It makes us see the error of our mistakes and improve them. I, too, had to learn that the hard way.
I am pushing because personal development is hard stuff and nobody has it all figured out. Sometimes it can feel like you are on the hamster wheel going around and around and around. And back again in circles.
I push because I know that sometimes, it takes fresh eyes and ideas to see the full picture. We can become so consumed about everything we want that we forget to be grateful for what we have. In my case, I wanted a car, needed a car and it didn’t matter that I didn’t like driving. Everybody else had a car and I should have one too. That may or may not be a bad example, but I hope you get the point.
I push because a couple people pushed me and though I am not where I want to be right now, I am definitely further than I was last year. Their pushing forced me to look at myself in a more objective way and actually want to change things about myself that I didn’t like. Their pushing forced me to truly understand the saying that “actions speaks louder than words.” And their pushing also made me realize that a dream can become a reality when you put in the work.
I push because I truly believe it helped me and I hope that you have people in your life that care enough to push you too.
