Right now, it feels like my life is halfway to everything that I have ever wanted and halfway to a reality that I am not ready to face.
I am going through a pretty big change in my life and let’s say I could deal with it a lot better. While I am actually excited about it this time around, I fear the unknown so needless to say, I am scared out of my mind.
I have had my heart set on this change since 2012, but I had no idea it would happen this soon and like this. Now that it’s happening, it’s like “holy crap” in both a good way and bad way.
Embracing the change will get me sooo close to realizing my dream that it’s freaky and I am trying to keep a brave face. I am trying to be as optimistic as possible and I think I am doing okay with it. But every once in a while, my insecurity creeps in and I begin to think about the “what ifs” and I get lost. One of the scariest questions I ask myself is “what if I am that close and still can’t hack it?”
That makes me sad to even write it.
I know that sounds dramatic and it probably is, but I fear that I am destined for that harsh reality. I have lived in four different cities and hoped to live out the same dream and it just didn’t happen. Even when I thought I was doing something when I lived in Philly, I quickly realized that I wasn’t doing anything. I learned the hard way that route was never going to get where I wanted to be and that hurt. A lot. Now a new opportunity has presented itself and I’m scurred.
I’m scared I still won’t be able to realize my dream.
I’m scared that I won’t allow myself to adapt.
I’m scared that I will clam up and build a wall around me.
I am scared that I will hold myself back, again.
And I am kind of scared to have everything I ever wanted, if that makes sense.
But you know what, it scares me even more to be this close and not try.
