When I thought about a childhood memory for the Blog Everyday in May Challenge, I never expected to write about the short-lived relationship with my father. And I never expected a reader to comment asking for more information about that story. I was taken back, but open to writing more.
Luckily, I was at my aunt’s house for the weekend and was able to dig out the shoe box of letters that had recently been moved to the basement so my aunt could have more closet space in my old bedroom. It was tucked away in a large storage bin that my aunt retrieved after passing me some other items that I hadn’t looked at years. Items like an engraved pen set that my mom had given me and like old love letters that my former boos wrote me. That was interesting.
I fumbled across the envelopes adorned with colorful drawings and ever-changing handwritten letters and quickly relived all of those pre-teen emotions. I remembered the day we went to the carnival and I remembered my excitement when he bought me that purple mountain-bike for Christmas.
For the first time in years, I saw the love that was written in each letter. He told me how much he missed me, loved me and thought about me everyday. I forgot about that. He explained that getting arrested was not because of any wrong-doing on his part and was excited to be with me again. It took me back.
I always wondered what I would do if we ever met again. Part of me was hurt that we stopped talking. I don’t even remember exactly why we stopped, but I think my family moved. I think I blamed him for us losing contact and I see how childish that is now.
This year, I promised myself that I would do a better job building and rebuilding relationships. I never thought that the relationship with my dad would ever be on my radar. I was okay with not having him in my life, but after speaking with my oldest sister who recently reunited with her father, I am seriously rethinking that. She told me how therapeutic reconnecting with her father has been and how she truly enjoys the relationship they have. She also offered to help me find him, which was nice.
I will be honest, I kind of want to, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared to get hurt again.
